


inside and out

by lossie



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Lokane if you look hard enough, Not Thor: The Dark World Compliant, written for the Astrofrost Exchange 2014
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 13:42:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2311652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lossie/pseuds/lossie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My fic for the Gathering Astrofrost Exchange. It was written for hollywithaneye-fanfiction on tumblr. It’s a little “what if” Lokane-ish story to Thor 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	inside and out

Asgard at night made her think of her father. It wasn’t logical, she knew that, but that had never stopped her before. There was just something so magical about the night sky with the array of bright ever-changing colours that made her memories of those very special evenings – spent in the garden at the back of their house with only the two of them and a telescope – unbelievably vibrant. She needed it in the face of what had happened today. She needed some resemblance of happiness to stop her treacherous train of thought.

What if, what if? A tiny voice in her head repeated itself over and over again.

That insistent voice was a reason why she was awake so late into the night. It wouldn’t let her rest, much less sleep, so she walked around the palace mindlessly, trying in vain to tire herself out. That’s how she had found her way into the spacious balcony somewhere in the meantime.

She couldn’t help, but wonder if it was indeed her fault, because it felt like it, even if Thor said otherwise. The eyes of the others said what Thor’s kind heart couldn’t allow him to even think. There was so much accusation, so much hatred in those many, many pairs of eyes during the Queen’s funeral. It was hard to withstand it without succumbing to pitiful self-loathing.

How was she to know that the Aether would eventually bring the Dark Elves to Asgard? She wasn’t a goddess and she hadn’t lived thousands of years. She was just a human, a nobody. Was she really to blame for something she had no idea would bring harm to others? She just wanted to find Thor so badly and to figure out a way to his world. It was her life – the science, the mad chase after something no one in the scientific community seemed to believe in. She hadn’t thought about the consequences, as usual, when she had spotted that humming red substance in-between the rocks. She should have known better that to touch it, of course, but it was still not her fault that the Queen decided to protect her.

So many things were not her fault and still everyone seemed to blame her.

Jane took a deep shaky breath, her hands clutching at the material of her dress to the point when her knuckles turned white.

She hated this place with all her heart right now and even the magnificent sky above her couldn’t make her think differently at the moment. She knew it would probably pass. She didn’t know the Queen that long to mourn her properly and guilt was a funny thing – one day it too would disappear as if it wasn’t there, ready to suffocate her, only a moment before. For now she would simply suffer in silence. She, out of all people, didn’t deserve Thor’s pity and that would surely come, if he learnt about all of that.

She almost fell over the railing when she heard someone sigh. She turned around as quietly as she could and stopped dead in her tracks.

Loki stood mere inches away from her, but he didn’t seem to notice her presence or he simply didn’t care. Whatever was the case, she wasn’t particularly keen to find out. Thor had told her bits and pieces of what had happened after he had brought his brother back home. From what she understood, the events from a year ago weren’t entirely his fault. He wasn’t charged with his crimes against Earth, but he still needed to answer for what had happened in both Asgard and Jotunheim. In the end, he couldn’t go further than the palace gates and, according to Thor, he was harmless. Through, to someone like Thor, probably everyone seemed relatively harmless and so his words of reassurance didn’t make her feel any better about Loki’s sudden close proximity.

She slowly backed away until she could fell the carved railing digging painfully into her lower back. It was a rather futile attempt to put some distance between them and, since she didn’t want to seem rude or to anger him, she refined from running away as far as her legs would take her. Any sudden movement would probably bring his attention to her and it was the last thing she wanted right now.  
Lost in her thoughts she hadn’t noticed him move yet again, not until he was standing right next to her. She couldn’t stop a gasp of both surprise and fright this time around.

He looked at her – probably for the first time since her arrival to Asgard – and she was a little shocked to discover that his gaze wasn’t overly hostile. It was just curious and a little bit amused.

“What do you think is so funny?” She blurted before she could stop herself.

“You,” he said simply, not taking his eyes away from her. He gave her a rather predatory smile that made her shiver against her will. She just wished she could make herself disappear. Coming out there seemed like one of her stupidest ideas right now.

“And what is so funny about me?” She asked after a moment of silence, her eyes stubbornly avoiding his.

“Everything.” He leaned to her, that God-awful smile still in place. “But I do find your guilt particularly amusing and, most of all, offending to the memory of your protector.”

Her hand collided with his cheek before she had time to process what she was about to do. It probably hurt her more than it hurt him, but he still deserved it. What right did he have to make fun of her? What right?!

And then she remembered that Loki was also a prince, which made him the Queen’s son. He had every right to mock her or be angry with her, because she had caused the death of his mother. She looked down, bringing her slightly arching right hand to her chest.

It was so unfair. She was stupid, a stupid little girl with stupid little dreams. She has always been that and only that. Her father was right when he told her to watch out, because one day it would be too late and too difficult to step back from danger. She had always had a bad habit of ignoring good advice.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured quietly, still keep her eyes down. “For your loss. And for slapping you.”

“No need for the former and I did deserved the later, so there is no need for you to apologize whatsoever.”

She looked up at that, almost giving herself a whiplash in the process.

“What do you mean?” She asked quietly, staring right into his eyes this time.

“The halls of Valhalla are a suitable place for my mother. She had died an honourable death – as a warrior and a protector of this realm. Your misplaced guilt over her act of bravery makes her sacrifice meaningless.”

Jane inhaled sharply. His words stung more than any slap ever could, but they made sense. She bit her lip, trying to force herself not to cry in front of him. It would have been even more embarrassing.

“Guilt, as much as jealousy, is a monstrous creature. It consumes you from inside out until there’s nothing left.” The look in his eyes and the seriousness with which he spoke made her feel that he spoke about something more than her disrespect for his mother’s memory.

“Why are you telling me this?”

She was truly curious now. This was a man who had almost killed her once and then threatened to try again, and he was giving her life advice in the middle of the night. She didn’t know what to make of him, but there was surely more to Loki than the devil-may-care attitude from the beginning of this conversation as well as their previous meetings in passing. To her horror, she found herself truly intrigued by him.

“You think me strange,” he said in a levelled voice instead of answering her question and she was oddly reminded of a very similar conversation she had with Thor. She wondered if he brought it up on purpose or was it only a simple coincidence.

“Maybe,” she found herself replying, her lips quirking up in a small smile. She was still angry at herself and sad, and worried about her future, but it felt good to just forget about all of that for a moment, however brief it might be.

“Good strange or bad strange?”

Loki was near the entrance now. She hadn’t noticed him move yet again. Was it magic or her tired mind was just too slow to both think and concentrate on her surroundings? She didn’t know, but maybe, if the fate allowed it, she would have time and opportunity to ask that question in the future.

“I’m not sure yet.”

Her voice was quiet, but he was able to hear her if his knowing smile, as he turned away from her and then disappeared inside the palace, was anything to go by.


End file.
